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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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| sitting in a parking lot drowning my mind in the morning air; this feeling has been absent for decades. cigarette ashes lie dormant on my thigh, breathing smoke to calm the beast in my head as the burn in my throat reminds me of passion present in my sternum. chants emanate from speakers in the car, dancing around my mind and relaxing my thoughts, a voice reaches from the depths of my throat to join with the monks as memories flood from easier days. cool air caresses bare skin as i rest my skull against the pavement, inhaling exhaling smoke along with the breeze. nothing more than this is needed- the bare minimum as my bones cry for more silenced by cultivating a mind that alights on nothing whatsoever. i recall years past with the flicker of a match, the new melds with the old with the mind-blowing realization that this is growing up. no longer a child as i burn my lungs with cancer, no longer under the wing of an omnipresent tattooed arm- my soul is enduring an exquisite rebirth with a catharsis of mind melding down to the allotment of new experiences and new people and new realizations. i cannot consider myself protected, i am catapulting my mind into adulthood without hesitation and couldn't possibly be happier. a meditative stance overcomes me and i am lost in my breathing, in out in out welcoming a nicotine high and an airy light-headedness reminding me of the past few days. i am leaving my body behind once again and floating with the flies, i am becoming a new hominid as excitement builds for my imminent future. leaving behind all i've ever known, greeting new beings with the turn of my jaw, i couldn't be more terrified to open a crisp new book detailing field notes on a catastrophe and more excited to see the words written on my chest. turning wheels on gravel i see things anew; life is unfolding at the seams and painting a beautiful yet scrambled view of what lies ahead.
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| i'm so far away from over the rainbow. it's the place i've wanted to be for months, i'm aching to let go and leave you alone, but i can't. you tell me i should run; i can't. i'm just as addicted as you are. i wake in the middle of cold frozen nights covered in a filmy layer of sweat and know it was you on me just two seconds ago deep in my mind. i'm wondering and wandering with nowhere to go, i'm lost in a bottle of blue pills and have no other solution than to become one with you. i long for my red bound book again just so i can have something to hold against my chest as i walk through the hallways, knowing that at least someone understands what's happening in the corners of my cranium; leaving me with a sliver of carrot cake hope whilst you creep around in the ventilation of my sinuses. i can feel your bone-cracking embrace, i can feel your calcium bonding with my carbonate, i can feel you feeling me and wanting more. i'm alone in my room whispering hawaiian anthems to my teddy bear, but even bear is tired of the same old story. even my voice has abandoned me, disgusted with the things i can't bring myself to do. i can't scream, i can only assault your neck with my cracked lip kisses and try not to bring myself to lose control in the way i want to. my mind is crushed under the weight of what i'm doing, my body has been in control for so long and i can't remember the last time i listened to what i should do. should, should, should. i'm not going to stop. i'm going to plow full-speed ahead until i know that every shred of the once-marbled hope has been defeated. i'm anticipating the buoyant day when our sanguine meetings can become fully realized, when our despondent nights without each other will be as extinct as the dodo. i'm trying to convince myself that your stoicism is hiding an assortment of colored nights for me, each with a different flavor and ribbon and bow on the top. i'll be your apapane if you'll just stay with me. i'll sing for you as long as you won't laugh. i'll give myself to you, but only if you give yourself to me.
it doesn't even matter. i'm simply happy. i'm so, so happy.
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| you've got me where you want me.
i'm savoring each word you say to me, yet still thirsting for so much more. i'm looking up into your eyes, blocking the sunlight pouring down from around your head, and realize i don't need what i thought i did. i'm giving up the teaspoons of blood i surround myself with to feel something, i'm tired of hiding in my closet so i don't have to hear my parents screaming, i refuse to act happy-go-lucky with everyone else and hide what i really am. i'm not sure yet exactly what you're trying to teach me, but i hope you know that i'm not going anywhere. it's not just an "experiment" on my part. i'm searching for something i haven't found yet, the glimmer of hope that i know is waiting for me somewhere. i'm realizing how little i actually know, and i will be your avid student until you feel ready to take me in your arms and have us collapse in a fit of passion together that i've wanted for so long. i wish you knew what i did to myself every night with you on my mind, i wish i could feel your palms on my breasts again, i wish you didn't have the morals that you have. i don't care what's illegal, i want to feel your hands in all the places you're hesitant to touch. i can still taste you. i've been licking my lower lip all day, trying to remember the exact sensation of your fingers and your juices and your eyes all over and on me. i can already feel your eyes moving over these words (you know it's you i'm writing about), i can already feel the bulge in your pants rising, i can already feel the passion burning in my chest and can't imagine anything else i'd want at this moment.
i know you think of me as a stupid little girl, but i can't help myself. i'm giving you myself and being completely honest with you. trust me; trust me as much as i'm trusting you.
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| i can't hear you. i'm sorry, can you speak louder? i'm used to having a dick shoved down my throat and what? you're interested? you'll need to be blunt with me and just tell me you want me for a night without any strings; meet me behind the hotel so we can feel each other out until we collapse in a fit of exhaustion and crawl into our ceremonial thrones far away from the memory. i'll freely admit i'm scared of you. the torture of waiting for your next response is the most exquisite pain i've felt in months- do you realize what you're doing to me? can you hear my breath becoming shorter as i imagine you on top of me in my bed? you have no idea of the thoughts running through my mind; i want to feel your lips on my neck without any hesitation, i don't want you to hold back once you finally place your hands on my body. you must know how you torment me. the desperation in my eyes is evident when i see you and we're the only ones who know about how this breach of fidelity on both our parts is progressing. i can't control my actions when i see you; words caught in my throat are slowly surrounding me in a chokehold and pushing me deeper into my own world where i close my eyes and see you, only you, in front of me where we are completely alone. when will we be able to explore each other like we have yearned for so long? you're teasing me and you know it. you're fully aware of how you're taunting me with the forbidden fruit dangling in front of my lips; always close but still so incredibly far away. my only hope i offer up to your elusive mind is that you will someday indulge my childish urges and bring me to my knees in front of you: you should already know i'm ready to give you anything you want.
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